Before I started my blog, I thought I will do this once a week. As you all can see, it has tended to be more like once a year. Not real consistent, kind of a theme in my life. So in 2011 I decided that I would try for this once a week thing again...haven't been perfect, but better. And today I find myself called off of work and time to write on my blog two days in a row..so here it goes...
So I've been really low these last 2 years as you've picked up from my posts...and it is almost like I am afraid to be "better" because then I could get worse again. A little twisted for sure. So I'm really trying to get close to Jesus, to get intimate with him while I'm still low so that I don't continue my trend of thinking low times are God's punishment to me. So I am listening to this fabulous CD from the women's retreat I went on with my church this weekend and this one song I just keep playing over and over with open hands towards heaven...my faith hasn't felt this right this good in years, but this song...I just hear us singing the chorus at the wedding feast of the Lamb and having our hands raised high and tears streaming down our face...
G D Em
My friends may you grow in grace
C D G-D
And in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour
G D Em
My friends may you grow in grace
C D G
and in the knowledge of Jesus Christ
Chorus: To God be the glory, now and forever
now and forever, amen
To God be the glory, now and forever, now and forever amen.
We were made to worship...how little do we worship our Saviour and Lord? I have been thinking about what would rejuvenate the hearts of God's people and there is something about worship that no amount of Bible reading, praying, or good preaching can do for us. It requires our voice, our mind and our body to be really worshipping. When we give God the glory due His name, He gives us something back that is greater than what we gave. I challenge us: middle, class American Christians...put on your praise music, lift up your hands and dance in worship to your Saviour...let the Spirit bless You!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
What Shall I Say Today?
I just came back from a weekend in the mountains of North Carolina with women from my wonderful church, Church of the Apostles. And it was good and hard and restful and sleep depriving all at the same time.
I think God and I won one battle with Satan this weekend. So I have these issues with depression right? And one thing that does is brings a lot of numbness to my feelings or tears to my eyes. And it ebbs and flows but it is there. And so I sang the words while Claire strummed he guitar and I didn't feel anything and I just kept singing and I said God, "I don't have the effort to try to muster up emotion to show You I love you." And He seemed to say "I didn't ask for your emotion, I just asked for you." And so I gave Him me and it was pretty bland me, without emotion, sometimes distracted, but still there. And it was really nice knowing that He takes me like this and He doesn't ask me to be more than what I really am. I know it is a semi-good day when I am believing like this.
So I am thankful for this God, this Jesus who doesn't need my emotions, who just needs my heart: broken, whole, healed, or cracked. This faith thing is crazy, but I am pretty sure it is the only way we get to real joy and make it through real pain. So if you take enough time to track with my blog, take enough time to keep tracking with Jesus whatever the state of your heart. We'll do it together.
Amen.
I think God and I won one battle with Satan this weekend. So I have these issues with depression right? And one thing that does is brings a lot of numbness to my feelings or tears to my eyes. And it ebbs and flows but it is there. And so I sang the words while Claire strummed he guitar and I didn't feel anything and I just kept singing and I said God, "I don't have the effort to try to muster up emotion to show You I love you." And He seemed to say "I didn't ask for your emotion, I just asked for you." And so I gave Him me and it was pretty bland me, without emotion, sometimes distracted, but still there. And it was really nice knowing that He takes me like this and He doesn't ask me to be more than what I really am. I know it is a semi-good day when I am believing like this.
So I am thankful for this God, this Jesus who doesn't need my emotions, who just needs my heart: broken, whole, healed, or cracked. This faith thing is crazy, but I am pretty sure it is the only way we get to real joy and make it through real pain. So if you take enough time to track with my blog, take enough time to keep tracking with Jesus whatever the state of your heart. We'll do it together.
Amen.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
And Jesus said to him, "What do you want me to do for you?"
When a blind man hears Jesus walking by he cries out for mercy from Him. And in response Jesus says, "What do you want me to do for you?" So maybe, Jesus asks that question to all who cry out to Him for mercy?
I need verses like this because they remind me that Jesus is indeed personal. That "for you" on the end is something I cling to. So what do I want Jesus to do for me? I want Him to increase my faith. I want to have my unhealthy fear of God rid of. I want God to bring me a man that feels like the right fit. I want God to give me children. I want Him to give me joy and peace. I want God to give me the faith of the blind man that would lead me to cry out for mercy in the middle of a crowd.
Here is an edited journal entry I wrote on 10/22/01:
"Well, first I want to go to India my senior year and work in an orphanage. I don't know exactly what I would do, but I would hold them, love them, kiss them and embrace them. Maybe I could help them to begin recovering from emotional trauma and show them the hope of Jesus. Then I would come back and finish my senior year at Wheaton. The part of me that desires the nice and easy life wants to come back, be or fall in love, and get married when I am 23 or 24 years old. In between marriage, I would love to nany for some really rich people and get to travel with them to cool places. Once I get married, I would love to work in an adoption agency for awhile. I want to travel to third world countries and bring babies and children to their parents. I want to assess what parents fit with what children. I want to see the love and joy that comes from those unions. After about 3 or 4 years, I would love to have 5 children, and be a stay at home mom in rural America. When my youngest child would be about 6 years old, I would love to move to the inner city or at least volunteer at those highschools. I would want to teach or be a guidance counselor. I would want these kids to see the hope and future that God can offer them and then "retire". I want my years after 50 to be volunteering in the inner city in programs, my summers in India, pregnancy care centers and volunteering at adoption agencies. And finally I would love to have many grandchildren whom I love and care about."
It's funny to look back on who I was at 18, but in many ways I am the same. I have volunteered in the "inner city", I may live there next year, I have volunteered at an adoption agency, I have traveled to several third world countries, I have taught in the inner city, I still want to live in rural America and I still want to fall in love. So Jesus, this is still what I want You to do for me. Lord, have mercy on me.
I need verses like this because they remind me that Jesus is indeed personal. That "for you" on the end is something I cling to. So what do I want Jesus to do for me? I want Him to increase my faith. I want to have my unhealthy fear of God rid of. I want God to bring me a man that feels like the right fit. I want God to give me children. I want Him to give me joy and peace. I want God to give me the faith of the blind man that would lead me to cry out for mercy in the middle of a crowd.
Here is an edited journal entry I wrote on 10/22/01:
"Well, first I want to go to India my senior year and work in an orphanage. I don't know exactly what I would do, but I would hold them, love them, kiss them and embrace them. Maybe I could help them to begin recovering from emotional trauma and show them the hope of Jesus. Then I would come back and finish my senior year at Wheaton. The part of me that desires the nice and easy life wants to come back, be or fall in love, and get married when I am 23 or 24 years old. In between marriage, I would love to nany for some really rich people and get to travel with them to cool places. Once I get married, I would love to work in an adoption agency for awhile. I want to travel to third world countries and bring babies and children to their parents. I want to assess what parents fit with what children. I want to see the love and joy that comes from those unions. After about 3 or 4 years, I would love to have 5 children, and be a stay at home mom in rural America. When my youngest child would be about 6 years old, I would love to move to the inner city or at least volunteer at those highschools. I would want to teach or be a guidance counselor. I would want these kids to see the hope and future that God can offer them and then "retire". I want my years after 50 to be volunteering in the inner city in programs, my summers in India, pregnancy care centers and volunteering at adoption agencies. And finally I would love to have many grandchildren whom I love and care about."
It's funny to look back on who I was at 18, but in many ways I am the same. I have volunteered in the "inner city", I may live there next year, I have volunteered at an adoption agency, I have traveled to several third world countries, I have taught in the inner city, I still want to live in rural America and I still want to fall in love. So Jesus, this is still what I want You to do for me. Lord, have mercy on me.
Friday, March 11, 2011
If I am Being Honest...
Ok, so I feel like as Christians we aren't suppose to say things like I am going to say, but I get tired of just saying what's "right". How is that real?
So I am struggling with God...still...2 years after some big hardships in my life. And I ask people to pray about where God wants me next year, what job He want me to take, etc. But you know what, I haven't heard from Him in so long that I wonder if my faith is a farce. I mean is He really to credit for the good in my life and I am to blame for the bad? I mean if He really cares about our lives, why doesn't He intervene more when we are so unsure of His presence or if He is there or if He cares? It makes me wonder if when life feels good, it is just good because neurotransmitters are releasing more serotonin and when it's bad its because I am low on serotonin. Why are we so sure God is involved in this process of our lives? I know, can you believe I just said all that? Not what you want to hear from a Christian of 25 years. Not what I would like to hear from myself, but what is true in my head. And I share it in a sense because I have to think other people of the faith have the same questions sometimes.
But it isn't an excuse for me to abandon God, or seek hope elsewhere because faith in Christ is the only thing I have ever seen truly fulfill someone. And so I continue these last 2 years in doubt and disbelief, but in some sort of faith that keeps me going to Bible study, going to church, going to silent retreats, praying, having spiritual discussions with friends because God seems like the only plausible solution to the problems I have. It just that He seems not to be solving my problems, making me more pure, or helping my disbelief. But maybe on some level if I didn't have Him I wouldn't even continue to do those things that will hopefully lead me back to Him and renew my faith.
I don't like to be in this place. I love to sense the presence of God and feel like I am in His will. For a girl prone to depression, I love it when I have true deep feelings of joy, delight, passion. I like it when I don't doubt. I like it when God seems realer than the "nose on my face" (to steal a quote from Kevin DeYoung).
And I have been there before and about the only way I know to get back their is to keep my heart from becoming completely callused, to keep giving Him a chance to speak. And so I wait with much doubt, despair and disbelief, but I wait on the Lord because that is the only thing worth waiting on and hoping for that I know of in this life.
So I am struggling with God...still...2 years after some big hardships in my life. And I ask people to pray about where God wants me next year, what job He want me to take, etc. But you know what, I haven't heard from Him in so long that I wonder if my faith is a farce. I mean is He really to credit for the good in my life and I am to blame for the bad? I mean if He really cares about our lives, why doesn't He intervene more when we are so unsure of His presence or if He is there or if He cares? It makes me wonder if when life feels good, it is just good because neurotransmitters are releasing more serotonin and when it's bad its because I am low on serotonin. Why are we so sure God is involved in this process of our lives? I know, can you believe I just said all that? Not what you want to hear from a Christian of 25 years. Not what I would like to hear from myself, but what is true in my head. And I share it in a sense because I have to think other people of the faith have the same questions sometimes.
But it isn't an excuse for me to abandon God, or seek hope elsewhere because faith in Christ is the only thing I have ever seen truly fulfill someone. And so I continue these last 2 years in doubt and disbelief, but in some sort of faith that keeps me going to Bible study, going to church, going to silent retreats, praying, having spiritual discussions with friends because God seems like the only plausible solution to the problems I have. It just that He seems not to be solving my problems, making me more pure, or helping my disbelief. But maybe on some level if I didn't have Him I wouldn't even continue to do those things that will hopefully lead me back to Him and renew my faith.
I don't like to be in this place. I love to sense the presence of God and feel like I am in His will. For a girl prone to depression, I love it when I have true deep feelings of joy, delight, passion. I like it when I don't doubt. I like it when God seems realer than the "nose on my face" (to steal a quote from Kevin DeYoung).
And I have been there before and about the only way I know to get back their is to keep my heart from becoming completely callused, to keep giving Him a chance to speak. And so I wait with much doubt, despair and disbelief, but I wait on the Lord because that is the only thing worth waiting on and hoping for that I know of in this life.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Are Laura G's Philosphies God's Philosphies???
I was reading my favorite blogger today, Ann Voskamp's A Holy Experience and she and Holly were exchanging words about it means to give enough and I also listened to Alistair Begg's Truth For Life this morning about False Teachers and I began wondering what shapes my philosophies?? So much I am afraid are my personal experiences instead of God's objective truth in the Bible. Circumstances are bad, so God must be punishing me. I have a lot more than the 1/3 world so I should never have much and just give, give, give. I can't love someone the way I want too, so I will never be able to love well. These are the Laura Philosophies that fill my head. Are any of these God's philosophies?? God does punish everyone He accepts as a son, this is Scriptural (Hebrews 12:6). But does he ever say that our trying circumstances = his punishment? I haven't found a place that He says that in His Word. In fact, his punishment of us is always for our own good, to make us more into His image. In terms of giving, God does love a cheerful giver. But He also says He is the giver of all good gifts (James 1:17). And we are blessed to be a blessing (Genesis 3:12). But this makes it clear, we are blessed. He does give us gifts. And He loves it when we give, cheerfully. These are just few examples of how every philosophy must be held up the light of Scripture. There is always a tension in how to live, there is never a formula. There is never a time where we just plug our life into a formula and it gives us results. It is always a continuous seeking of God, communicating with God, and navigating this life with Him. Isn't that better than a formula? I mean, the people we love in this life, don't we want them on the journey with us? Why wouldn't we want the same with our Creator?
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Home For The Holidays
Life is slower and more peaceful in Wooster and sometimes when I am here I wonder why I ever moved away. But I know why, I have been discovering who I am and trying to be who God wants me to be and that has taken me on journeys to Wheaton, Washington D.C. and Raleigh. And each of these places has shaped and molded me in ways I am usually not aware of until I look back on them.
But when I go home, I realize how much Wooster and my upbringing there has shaped me as much or more than all the other places I have lived. I love having all my family under my parent's roof, grandchildren and all. Somehow it just feels right. Like this is how God intended it or something. But it isn't a daily reality for my family and I struggle with that. I wish it was. I wish that me and my siblings sitting in a booth at Muddy Water's and my dad walking in from his downtown office during a break and seeing us was common.
I like home. I like the way it feels. I like being part of a family again. Living on my own has shown me just how much I prefer the company and community of others. I don't know if my family will all live close together again one day. But I do know that coming to my parent's house in Wooster still feels like coming home. I hope that never changes.
But when I go home, I realize how much Wooster and my upbringing there has shaped me as much or more than all the other places I have lived. I love having all my family under my parent's roof, grandchildren and all. Somehow it just feels right. Like this is how God intended it or something. But it isn't a daily reality for my family and I struggle with that. I wish it was. I wish that me and my siblings sitting in a booth at Muddy Water's and my dad walking in from his downtown office during a break and seeing us was common.
I like home. I like the way it feels. I like being part of a family again. Living on my own has shown me just how much I prefer the company and community of others. I don't know if my family will all live close together again one day. But I do know that coming to my parent's house in Wooster still feels like coming home. I hope that never changes.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
It's Time To Try Again....
So I haven't written a blog entry in a REALLY long time....like say maybe two years?? I might be a little rusty so please be patient with me...I don't even really know where I am going with this blog or what I want to say....I just know it is time to try again. And that is kind of a metaphor for all of my life. It's time to trust again, it's time to love again, it's time to live again. If you know me well enough to be reading this blog, then you know the last 2 years of my life have been painful in more ways than I would like to recount.
So let me recount what I know with certainty....I know God loves me because He says He does not because I always feel it. I know that their is a handful of people in my life who have seen me through this mess every step of the way. I know that time really is the only thing that helps sometimes. I know that being 28 and single doesn't mean my life is over...it just means it is different than I ever expected, and maybe it will be better than my dreams, but it isn't yet...but I will wait in faith.
So what does 2011 hold that offers hope? A possible trip to Rwanda in the summer...my church, Church of the Apostles, in Raleigh has a partnership with our sister church in Rwanda and we want to build that partnership and grow together and that is so much of what I feel called to be a part of. I have felt called to go to Rwanda and be involved with Rwanda in some capacity for so long. Would you pray with me about this as I try discern if it is God's plan for me and if it is financially possible? 2011 also holds my graduation from Nursing School!!! I am looking to work in either a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, Special Care Nursery, Post-Partum Floor, or Labor and Delivery Unit. I am trying to discern whether God wants me to stay here in Raleigh or move somewhere else. In so many ways, Raleigh is the first place that has felt like home since Wooster, Ohio but there are also hard things about being here. So I really am needing God to help me know what is the best choice for me here.
More words later...this is just the start of me trying again....thank you for all of you who have prayed for this day for me...it's here.
Much love,
Laura
So let me recount what I know with certainty....I know God loves me because He says He does not because I always feel it. I know that their is a handful of people in my life who have seen me through this mess every step of the way. I know that time really is the only thing that helps sometimes. I know that being 28 and single doesn't mean my life is over...it just means it is different than I ever expected, and maybe it will be better than my dreams, but it isn't yet...but I will wait in faith.
So what does 2011 hold that offers hope? A possible trip to Rwanda in the summer...my church, Church of the Apostles, in Raleigh has a partnership with our sister church in Rwanda and we want to build that partnership and grow together and that is so much of what I feel called to be a part of. I have felt called to go to Rwanda and be involved with Rwanda in some capacity for so long. Would you pray with me about this as I try discern if it is God's plan for me and if it is financially possible? 2011 also holds my graduation from Nursing School!!! I am looking to work in either a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, Special Care Nursery, Post-Partum Floor, or Labor and Delivery Unit. I am trying to discern whether God wants me to stay here in Raleigh or move somewhere else. In so many ways, Raleigh is the first place that has felt like home since Wooster, Ohio but there are also hard things about being here. So I really am needing God to help me know what is the best choice for me here.
More words later...this is just the start of me trying again....thank you for all of you who have prayed for this day for me...it's here.
Much love,
Laura
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