I just came back from a weekend in the mountains of North Carolina with women from my wonderful church, Church of the Apostles. And it was good and hard and restful and sleep depriving all at the same time.
I think God and I won one battle with Satan this weekend. So I have these issues with depression right? And one thing that does is brings a lot of numbness to my feelings or tears to my eyes. And it ebbs and flows but it is there. And so I sang the words while Claire strummed he guitar and I didn't feel anything and I just kept singing and I said God, "I don't have the effort to try to muster up emotion to show You I love you." And He seemed to say "I didn't ask for your emotion, I just asked for you." And so I gave Him me and it was pretty bland me, without emotion, sometimes distracted, but still there. And it was really nice knowing that He takes me like this and He doesn't ask me to be more than what I really am. I know it is a semi-good day when I am believing like this.
So I am thankful for this God, this Jesus who doesn't need my emotions, who just needs my heart: broken, whole, healed, or cracked. This faith thing is crazy, but I am pretty sure it is the only way we get to real joy and make it through real pain. So if you take enough time to track with my blog, take enough time to keep tracking with Jesus whatever the state of your heart. We'll do it together.
Amen.
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