Almost 30, and as undisciplined as ever. How did this happen?? I think it happened because one day I went to Cambodia and became afraid of God. Became a afraid of His will being constant suffering and simplicity and service. And ran from Him, not to Him, but from Him cause who wants to trust that? Oh and then there is my flesh too, it is kinda lazy. Doesn't like to wake up before my body wants to and likes sleep more than reading Words on the pages of that Book. And in my running some things got good. Raleigh got good. Came to this place and LOVED LIFE. And it was wierd, because I came in a running from Him sort of way and thought, "how did this turn out good if I got it running from Him?" Because EVEN WHEN WE RUN FROM HIM HE RUNS WITH AND TOWARD US. And He was here and He followed me here. And He whispered, "Laura, you will be in this place for some time. Time to stop running." And I heard it but I didn't know what it meant. And I nodded my heart in agreement, not knowing what I was agreeing too. And year one and two I read my Bible, and I taught highschoolers about Jesus and His plan and serving Him. And I loved being Anglican and liturgy and got an accountability partner and tried to go to Rwanda to serve Jesus. But I was still running from Him. Making my plans and my ways work. And I found a man who would marry me. And I almost did. But I couldn't cuz it was my plan and my ways and a heart that gave itself to Jesus can run for a while but it can't forever. It has to relinquish old habits of self control and manipulation. And in my pain, I thought He was gone and he didn't exist and didn't love me. What kind of God lets His children feel this kind of pain? Oh yes, the God that lets His son Jesus die on the Cross for our sins. That God. And Bible reading and going to church, and accountability are all really hard to do right now. They don't feel alive and purposeful and when you are in the winter season of your faith you just want to stay inside and stay comfortable in your hibernation surfing Facebook and watching House and drinking wine. But even when you aren't ready for it, Spring comes. It won't let you pretend it's winter forever. And so goodbye Facebook, goodbye "I might move to Ohio so I shouldn't invest here in Raleigh", and goodbye being on the periphery of the church. Springs a coming and it is time to renew the good and relinquish the old. Start anew and trust. TRUST. Trust when you know that when you have in the past it has caused some of the greatest pain you have ever known. But still, TRUST. Not in nothing. IN HIM. IN HIS WAYS BEING HIGHER THAN YOUR WAYS. In Jeremiah 29:11 in an un-cliche , non health and wealth sort of way. In a way that says His plans for me are for His glory and HIs glory alone is where Hope and a Future are found.
Amen and Amen.
