Relinquishing Old Habits to Renew Healthy Disciplines

Almost 30, and as undisciplined as ever. How did this happen?? I think it happened because one day I went to Cambodia and became afraid of God. Became a afraid of His will being constant suffering and simplicity and service. And ran from Him, not to Him, but from Him cause who wants to trust that? Oh and then there is my flesh too, it is kinda lazy. Doesn't like to wake up before my body wants to and likes sleep more than reading Words on the pages of that Book. And in my running some things got good. Raleigh got good. Came to this place and LOVED LIFE. And it was wierd, because I came in a running from Him sort of way and thought, "how did this turn out good if I got it running from Him?" Because EVEN WHEN WE RUN FROM HIM HE RUNS WITH AND TOWARD US. And He was here and He followed me here. And He whispered, "Laura, you will be in this place for some time. Time to stop running." And I heard it but I didn't know what it meant. And I nodded my heart in agreement, not knowing what I was agreeing too. And year one and two I read my Bible, and I taught highschoolers about Jesus and His plan and serving Him. And I loved being Anglican and liturgy and got an accountability partner and tried to go to Rwanda to serve Jesus. But I was still running from Him. Making my plans and my ways work. And I found a man who would marry me. And I almost did. But I couldn't cuz it was my plan and my ways and a heart that gave itself to Jesus can run for a while but it can't forever. It has to relinquish old habits of self control and manipulation. And in my pain, I thought He was gone and he didn't exist and didn't love me. What kind of God lets His children feel this kind of pain? Oh yes, the God that lets His son Jesus die on the Cross for our sins. That God. And Bible reading and going to church, and accountability are all really hard to do right now. They don't feel alive and purposeful and when you are in the winter season of your faith you just want to stay inside and stay comfortable in your hibernation surfing Facebook and watching House and drinking wine. But even when you aren't ready for it, Spring comes. It won't let you pretend it's winter forever. And so goodbye Facebook, goodbye "I might move to Ohio so I shouldn't invest here in Raleigh", and goodbye being on the periphery of the church. Springs a coming and it is time to renew the good and relinquish the old. Start anew and trust. TRUST. Trust when you know that when you have in the past it has caused some of the greatest pain you have ever known. But still, TRUST. Not in nothing. IN HIM. IN HIS WAYS BEING HIGHER THAN YOUR WAYS. In Jeremiah 29:11 in an un-cliche , non health and wealth sort of way. In a way that says His plans for me are for His glory and HIs glory alone is where Hope and a Future are found.
Amen and Amen.

Sometimes I Feel Like I Think about my faith like Francis Chan but want to be a conservative stay at home my mom...

Probably sounded pretty arrogant to open with saying I think about my faith like Francis Chan. But I do in many ways. I think I should be hearing more from the Holy Spirit. I think the church should look and be different in many ways. I want to love the orphan and the widow and tell them about Jesus and how He wants to save them. But see the thing is I grew up as a little girl who wanted to be a mom and teach my children Bible stories and rock them to sleep and pray for them. And unfortunately I am not doing either of these right now. I am not loving the orphan and the widow well and I have no babies to rock to sleep. Sometimes does the life we thought God put in our hearts not happen or does He tell us to wait? I don't know. But as I am about to start a nursing job in Raleigh, you know what I am most excited about? Getting involved with an organization that cares for orphans and shares the gospel with them. Sometimes our passion is fueled by our tentmaking. People need tents, we should make them. People need help with taking care of new babies, I will help them. But hopefully it will fuel my passion to love and care for the orphan as Jesus calls us to. Just a short rambling today, but better than nothing. I know it has been 3 months again. If you read this and you pray to Jesus Christ, would you ask Him to guide my steps this next year as to where to work and what organization to join in helping care for the orphans? Thank you friends.

What If?

What if there was not should or ought or could or might? What if we lived in the Christ centered, "I want to"? How would your life look different today? Here are just a few of mine:

1. I would take steps to travel and see more of the world

2. I would become a Compassion advocate

3. I would pursue foster care

4. I would read more novels

5. I would learn how to cook more meals

6. I would eat more produce

7. I would make homemade applesauce

8. I would ask my sister-in-law if she wanted to study the Bible

9. I would write my music pastor and ask him to consider leading nights of worship at our church accompanied by nothing else

10. I would make more photo albums and scrapbooks

11. I would learn more difficult patterns in knitting

12. I would join a kick boxing class

13. I would wake up and spend time with Jesus every morning

14. I would take a photography class

15. I would visit Sarim in Cambodia, heck I would return her call from a year ago

16. I would speak only the good thoughts that come into my head and ask Jesus to help me crucify every bad one

17. I would plant a garden

18. I would live away from the city in a log home

19. I would stop complaining

20. I would spend full days with Christ alone

21. I would find babies that need to be held and hold them

22. I would go home to see my grandpa

23. I would trust that God is who He says He is and He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.

24. I would go to the doctor for some health issues I have put off

25. I would keep my home clean

26. I would laugh more

I'll stop there...but what if I took steps towards these, like focused on one for 2 weeks and then moved onto another. I mean, I can't buy a log home right now, but what if I started saving money for one or called 1-800-loghome? Or what if I booked a ticket to Ohio to see my grandpa? Or what if I contacted Celeste Kern about that missionary family in Ireland and figured out what trip would take? Or what if I watched my favorite comedian on YouTube today and laughed? Well I am gonna do it and I'll share with you my answers to my What Ifs as they come....

Two In a Row???

Before I started my blog, I thought I will do this once a week. As you all can see, it has tended to be more like once a year. Not real consistent, kind of a theme in my life. So in 2011 I decided that I would try for this once a week thing again...haven't been perfect, but better. And today I find myself called off of work and time to write on my blog two days in a row..so here it goes...
So I've been really low these last 2 years as you've picked up from my posts...and it is almost like I am afraid to be "better" because then I could get worse again. A little twisted for sure. So I'm really trying to get close to Jesus, to get intimate with him while I'm still low so that I don't continue my trend of thinking low times are God's punishment to me. So I am listening to this fabulous CD from the women's retreat I went on with my church this weekend and this one song I just keep playing over and over with open hands towards heaven...my faith hasn't felt this right this good in years, but this song...I just hear us singing the chorus at the wedding feast of the Lamb and having our hands raised high and tears streaming down our face...
G D Em
My friends may you grow in grace
C D G-D
And in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour
G D Em
My friends may you grow in grace
C D G
and in the knowledge of Jesus Christ

Chorus: To God be the glory, now and forever
now and forever, amen
To God be the glory, now and forever, now and forever amen.

We were made to worship...how little do we worship our Saviour and Lord? I have been thinking about what would rejuvenate the hearts of God's people and there is something about worship that no amount of Bible reading, praying, or good preaching can do for us. It requires our voice, our mind and our body to be really worshipping. When we give God the glory due His name, He gives us something back that is greater than what we gave. I challenge us: middle, class American Christians...put on your praise music, lift up your hands and dance in worship to your Saviour...let the Spirit bless You!

What Shall I Say Today?

I just came back from a weekend in the mountains of North Carolina with women from my wonderful church, Church of the Apostles. And it was good and hard and restful and sleep depriving all at the same time.
I think God and I won one battle with Satan this weekend. So I have these issues with depression right? And one thing that does is brings a lot of numbness to my feelings or tears to my eyes. And it ebbs and flows but it is there. And so I sang the words while Claire strummed he guitar and I didn't feel anything and I just kept singing and I said God, "I don't have the effort to try to muster up emotion to show You I love you." And He seemed to say "I didn't ask for your emotion, I just asked for you." And so I gave Him me and it was pretty bland me, without emotion, sometimes distracted, but still there. And it was really nice knowing that He takes me like this and He doesn't ask me to be more than what I really am. I know it is a semi-good day when I am believing like this.
So I am thankful for this God, this Jesus who doesn't need my emotions, who just needs my heart: broken, whole, healed, or cracked. This faith thing is crazy, but I am pretty sure it is the only way we get to real joy and make it through real pain. So if you take enough time to track with my blog, take enough time to keep tracking with Jesus whatever the state of your heart. We'll do it together.

Amen.

And Jesus said to him, "What do you want me to do for you?"

When a blind man hears Jesus walking by he cries out for mercy from Him. And in response Jesus says, "What do you want me to do for you?" So maybe, Jesus asks that question to all who cry out to Him for mercy?
I need verses like this because they remind me that Jesus is indeed personal. That "for you" on the end is something I cling to. So what do I want Jesus to do for me? I want Him to increase my faith. I want to have my unhealthy fear of God rid of. I want God to bring me a man that feels like the right fit. I want God to give me children. I want Him to give me joy and peace. I want God to give me the faith of the blind man that would lead me to cry out for mercy in the middle of a crowd.
Here is an edited journal entry I wrote on 10/22/01:
"Well, first I want to go to India my senior year and work in an orphanage. I don't know exactly what I would do, but I would hold them, love them, kiss them and embrace them. Maybe I could help them to begin recovering from emotional trauma and show them the hope of Jesus. Then I would come back and finish my senior year at Wheaton. The part of me that desires the nice and easy life wants to come back, be or fall in love, and get married when I am 23 or 24 years old. In between marriage, I would love to nany for some really rich people and get to travel with them to cool places. Once I get married, I would love to work in an adoption agency for awhile. I want to travel to third world countries and bring babies and children to their parents. I want to assess what parents fit with what children. I want to see the love and joy that comes from those unions. After about 3 or 4 years, I would love to have 5 children, and be a stay at home mom in rural America. When my youngest child would be about 6 years old, I would love to move to the inner city or at least volunteer at those highschools. I would want to teach or be a guidance counselor. I would want these kids to see the hope and future that God can offer them and then "retire". I want my years after 50 to be volunteering in the inner city in programs, my summers in India, pregnancy care centers and volunteering at adoption agencies. And finally I would love to have many grandchildren whom I love and care about."
It's funny to look back on who I was at 18, but in many ways I am the same. I have volunteered in the "inner city", I may live there next year, I have volunteered at an adoption agency, I have traveled to several third world countries, I have taught in the inner city, I still want to live in rural America and I still want to fall in love. So Jesus, this is still what I want You to do for me. Lord, have mercy on me.

If I am Being Honest...

Ok, so I feel like as Christians we aren't suppose to say things like I am going to say, but I get tired of just saying what's "right". How is that real?
So I am struggling with God...still...2 years after some big hardships in my life. And I ask people to pray about where God wants me next year, what job He want me to take, etc. But you know what, I haven't heard from Him in so long that I wonder if my faith is a farce. I mean is He really to credit for the good in my life and I am to blame for the bad? I mean if He really cares about our lives, why doesn't He intervene more when we are so unsure of His presence or if He is there or if He cares? It makes me wonder if when life feels good, it is just good because neurotransmitters are releasing more serotonin and when it's bad its because I am low on serotonin. Why are we so sure God is involved in this process of our lives? I know, can you believe I just said all that? Not what you want to hear from a Christian of 25 years. Not what I would like to hear from myself, but what is true in my head. And I share it in a sense because I have to think other people of the faith have the same questions sometimes.
But it isn't an excuse for me to abandon God, or seek hope elsewhere because faith in Christ is the only thing I have ever seen truly fulfill someone. And so I continue these last 2 years in doubt and disbelief, but in some sort of faith that keeps me going to Bible study, going to church, going to silent retreats, praying, having spiritual discussions with friends because God seems like the only plausible solution to the problems I have. It just that He seems not to be solving my problems, making me more pure, or helping my disbelief. But maybe on some level if I didn't have Him I wouldn't even continue to do those things that will hopefully lead me back to Him and renew my faith.
I don't like to be in this place. I love to sense the presence of God and feel like I am in His will. For a girl prone to depression, I love it when I have true deep feelings of joy, delight, passion. I like it when I don't doubt. I like it when God seems realer than the "nose on my face" (to steal a quote from Kevin DeYoung).
And I have been there before and about the only way I know to get back their is to keep my heart from becoming completely callused, to keep giving Him a chance to speak. And so I wait with much doubt, despair and disbelief, but I wait on the Lord because that is the only thing worth waiting on and hoping for that I know of in this life.

Are Laura G's Philosphies God's Philosphies???

I was reading my favorite blogger today, Ann Voskamp's A Holy Experience and she and Holly were exchanging words about it means to give enough and I also listened to Alistair Begg's Truth For Life this morning about False Teachers and I began wondering what shapes my philosophies?? So much I am afraid are my personal experiences instead of God's objective truth in the Bible. Circumstances are bad, so God must be punishing me. I have a lot more than the 1/3 world so I should never have much and just give, give, give. I can't love someone the way I want too, so I will never be able to love well. These are the Laura Philosophies that fill my head. Are any of these God's philosophies?? God does punish everyone He accepts as a son, this is Scriptural (Hebrews 12:6). But does he ever say that our trying circumstances = his punishment? I haven't found a place that He says that in His Word. In fact, his punishment of us is always for our own good, to make us more into His image. In terms of giving, God does love a cheerful giver. But He also says He is the giver of all good gifts (James 1:17). And we are blessed to be a blessing (Genesis 3:12). But this makes it clear, we are blessed. He does give us gifts. And He loves it when we give, cheerfully. These are just few examples of how every philosophy must be held up the light of Scripture. There is always a tension in how to live, there is never a formula. There is never a time where we just plug our life into a formula and it gives us results. It is always a continuous seeking of God, communicating with God, and navigating this life with Him. Isn't that better than a formula? I mean, the people we love in this life, don't we want them on the journey with us? Why wouldn't we want the same with our Creator?

Home For The Holidays

Life is slower and more peaceful in Wooster and sometimes when I am here I wonder why I ever moved away. But I know why, I have been discovering who I am and trying to be who God wants me to be and that has taken me on journeys to Wheaton, Washington D.C. and Raleigh. And each of these places has shaped and molded me in ways I am usually not aware of until I look back on them.
But when I go home, I realize how much Wooster and my upbringing there has shaped me as much or more than all the other places I have lived. I love having all my family under my parent's roof, grandchildren and all. Somehow it just feels right. Like this is how God intended it or something. But it isn't a daily reality for my family and I struggle with that. I wish it was. I wish that me and my siblings sitting in a booth at Muddy Water's and my dad walking in from his downtown office during a break and seeing us was common.
I like home. I like the way it feels. I like being part of a family again. Living on my own has shown me just how much I prefer the company and community of others. I don't know if my family will all live close together again one day. But I do know that coming to my parent's house in Wooster still feels like coming home. I hope that never changes.