Ok, so I feel like as Christians we aren't suppose to say things like I am going to say, but I get tired of just saying what's "right". How is that real?
So I am struggling with God...still...2 years after some big hardships in my life. And I ask people to pray about where God wants me next year, what job He want me to take, etc. But you know what, I haven't heard from Him in so long that I wonder if my faith is a farce. I mean is He really to credit for the good in my life and I am to blame for the bad? I mean if He really cares about our lives, why doesn't He intervene more when we are so unsure of His presence or if He is there or if He cares? It makes me wonder if when life feels good, it is just good because neurotransmitters are releasing more serotonin and when it's bad its because I am low on serotonin. Why are we so sure God is involved in this process of our lives? I know, can you believe I just said all that? Not what you want to hear from a Christian of 25 years. Not what I would like to hear from myself, but what is true in my head. And I share it in a sense because I have to think other people of the faith have the same questions sometimes.
But it isn't an excuse for me to abandon God, or seek hope elsewhere because faith in Christ is the only thing I have ever seen truly fulfill someone. And so I continue these last 2 years in doubt and disbelief, but in some sort of faith that keeps me going to Bible study, going to church, going to silent retreats, praying, having spiritual discussions with friends because God seems like the only plausible solution to the problems I have. It just that He seems not to be solving my problems, making me more pure, or helping my disbelief. But maybe on some level if I didn't have Him I wouldn't even continue to do those things that will hopefully lead me back to Him and renew my faith.
I don't like to be in this place. I love to sense the presence of God and feel like I am in His will. For a girl prone to depression, I love it when I have true deep feelings of joy, delight, passion. I like it when I don't doubt. I like it when God seems realer than the "nose on my face" (to steal a quote from Kevin DeYoung).
And I have been there before and about the only way I know to get back their is to keep my heart from becoming completely callused, to keep giving Him a chance to speak. And so I wait with much doubt, despair and disbelief, but I wait on the Lord because that is the only thing worth waiting on and hoping for that I know of in this life.
2 comments:
God is certainly speaking to you, just not the way you expect He would. We who live on this part of the Globe are used to an utilitarian God who dispenses His unmerited grace at the end of a prayer (or of hundreds of prayers). But what does it really mean to "hear from God." Is it only when He gives us specific answers about jobs, careers, mates, health and well being? If I could even begin to understand the life of people like Richard Wurmbrand or Annie Johnson Flint, perhaps I would begin to understand what it means to "hear from God." Pastor Wurmbrand said, ""It was in prison that we found the hope of salvation for the Communists. It was there that we developed a sense of responsibility toward them. It was in being tortured by them that we learned to love them. A great part of my family was murdered. It was in my own house that their murderer was converted. It was also the most suitable place..." Ouch!He also said, "I have found truly joyful Christians only in the Bible, in the Underground Church, and in prison." I am so humbled whenever I read those words. Well, enough said. I have no doubt that God is speaking to you, Laura, even if He is not solving your problems.
I am sure that He is too, I just like it when I can hear it and understand it.
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